Off to See the Wizard!

It's mid-morning, and already my stomach is tied up in serpentine knots of anxiety. Of course, the five or so cups of green tea have only added to the buzz that has gripped my central nervous system, and now I'm worried much less about sneezing during surgery than having to go pee. Sorry, Dr. Pitts, but hold that stitch! The green tea is talking! I have no doubts that she is as skilled with the blade as the ancient Viking warriors were, who could cut out a man's heart and show it to him before he died, and take scalpel and stitch and finish the nipple before my bladder truly threatened to overflow.

I'm wearing my one brave chick shirt (thank you, Kate), because it emboldens me when things seem a little scary. Not that I'm scared, mind you, but my uncertainty around the procedure, which I tried to ease by searching for reassuring testimonials on the web (couldn't find any), has creeped into my consciousness, and made me wish I had more information. I would have loved to have stumbled across a description of the local skin flap procedure that said it was "painless," "simple," "fun." Okay, so maybe fun is stretching it, but you just never know. After all, it is my birthday today and I am hoping for a little extra sedative for the ride home.

I scrubbed myself silly in the shower because I'm not sure when I'll be allowed to shower again. I washed my hair twice, and shaved my legs, even, and wished I had had some nail polish remover to take off what's left of the summertime pink polish that's chipping away on my toes. What is it about going in for surgery that makes you think you have to present your best bare body ever? Is it the nakedness of the whole affair? Making sure you're clean and spit and polished from head to toe certainly goes beyond the universal mother's advice of wearing clean underpants because you never know what might happen.

I tried to do my homework. I tried to find a good spot for the nipple placement, but really, the nipple placements are just little round bandaids that look absolutely nothing like real nipples (or even fake ones at that), so it's been challenging to say the least. After several tries, resticking it here and there, a little to the left, a little to the right, too high, too low, I've got one in position. Whether or not it's in the right position, I won't know until Dr. Pitts takes a look at it (and I'm awfully glad that she'll have the final say). And she may very well laugh at where I've put my nipple placement. After all, I'm not exactly well-versed in this kind of thing, and really, I should have paid more attention to where my left nipple was when I had it.

Isn't that what Joni Mitchell meant when she sang, "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till its gone..."? What was the name of that song? Big Pink Nipple?

As on the days of my previous surgeries, there is a full moon blasting its energies throughout the universe and adding to the precipitous balance of uncertainty and reassurance. Can you feel it? It kept me awake last night long after I should have been enjoying some deep sleep, the anticipation of the day aflutter in my heart, the moonglow blue and bright amongst the evening shadows. But I am grateful for her company. As well, I'm in my eighth week of my cycle without having my period, the Tamoxifen clearly declaring itself something to be reckoned with, but since I got my period on the days of my last two surgeries, I have no doubt that anything could happen today. And what with all the female lunar energy out there, I wouldn't put it past my body to concoct some sort of menstrual mischief just in time for the new nipple.

This morning, amidst the usual clutter of messages in my in-box from non profits asking me to sign petitions, host parties, stump for Obama in NH, send money, and forward appalling wolf-pup massacre videos to my friends, there were several sweet messages of happy birthday and new nipple cheer and well wishes from friends. Thank you, thank you! I am a much better person with you all in my life, and your thoughtful, generous words have once again given me the courage to go forth and greet my new nipple with a smile.

In the spirit of Ubuntu, in a demonstration of the web which connects us all, and as my Moon-Surfing Full-Moon update showcased, "this is the time we've known was coming and you're called to acknowledge your fear, own your path and continue to move forward and upward in the direction of your vision. However, the planets say your vision must be inclusive and collective...one of stepping out bravely in partnership with each other and the planet... or it won't hold up."

Sounds like an opportunity for all of us.

Ok, I'm off to see the Wizard. Hoping I won't meet up with any flying monkeys or fields of poppies on the way.