Friday, July 3, 2009

"If you want to know if your brain is flabby, feel your legs." - Bruce Barton

I suppose one could argue that all this walking is good for more than just my body; that it is good for my brain, too, helping me sort out thoughts, streamline my consciousness, drop into the pensieve all those extraneous memories (oh! that's where they've gone!) and lighten my load. Not that my memory has gotten any better lately (see previous post for ode to post-40 memory loss), but I have been able to feel a bit more balanced, less full of nervous tension (except on mornings when I overdo with the green tea, alas), and more focused. And my body has definitely changed, returning to those days when I could run a switch on the pitch and feel fine. But that's been a side benefit, truly. Feeling stronger, lighter--that's all good. But I think I've come to realize that I walk because it's the best way I know how to get out and take in my town--its unique mix of people, its rolling hills and deep woods, its lovely roadways, its undiscovered treasures. Walking, it seems, might just be the best cure for loneliness.

There is nothing like walking to get the feel of a country. A fine landscape is like a piece of music; it must be taken at the right tempo. Even a bicycle goes too fast.
~ Paul Scott Mowrer


No doubt about it, walking is a great way to get to know your town--and its people. In this little farm town where I‘ve lived for twelve of the past fourteen years, I’ve never experienced so many serendipitous, agreeable encounters with my fellow Gillbillies, taken in so much of the ever-changing landscape, been privy to so many breathtakingly beautiful views, skies, trees, and slices and snapshots of that life typically gone unnoticed, than I have since I started walking my town. I’ve logged hundreds (at least!) of miles since beginning my training last December--upwards now of 50+ miles a week--and its proven to be the very thing to put a stop to the usual rush ‘n go that often derails my attempts at adopting any sort of zen-like, meditative, mindful living-in-the-moment mantra--and allow me to slow down and take it all in. After all, there’s not a whole lot of multi-tasking you can do while walking. Can’t check e-mail. Fold the laundry. Read a book (you can listen). Knit (ok, so I don’t knit, but if I did, I couldn’t do it). You can only walk. Breathe. Look around. Be there to witness all the snapshots of life that usually pass you by. Turn just in time to see the pair of red winged blackbirds leave their fence post for the skies. Take in the overwhelming sweetness coming from the woods. Wave to Farmer Flagg on his tractor. Greet the neighbor’s dog. Say hello to Susie the Pony. Keep walking. Listen to a little music on the Pod, or a chapter from Mayflower, or Alice in Wonderland, or hit shuffle for a little divination from the iPod goddess: Shivaree’s Goodnight Moon, Police & Thieves by the Clash (oooh yeaaaahhh!), and a little 70’s nirvana, Hot Chocolate’s You Sexy Thing.

I’ve walked past the same fields and stretches of farmland, day in, day out, watching them cycle through the growing season, from their stark, lovely beginnings--when they were filled with the leftover stubs of last season’s corn, dried, dead grasses, and mole mounds, and that simmering energy of that early spring damp--and back into life again, plowed, then furrowed, stately rows awaiting seeds, which, when sown, brought the fields back into that frenzied, uproarious life, filled with the pendulant charm of spring’s first growth. There are the fields that fill over and over again with tall, sprightly yellowish green grasses with burnt umber tops that rise and swallow up the distant barns like a tumultuous sea, only to be threshed, slain, and left like fallen soldiers to lie and dry in the sun. A day or so later, they‘ve been gathered together into tidy rectangular parcels of hay, left scattered here and there only to be taken away.

Walking takes longer... than any other known form of locomotion except crawling. Thus it stretches time and prolongs life. Life is already too short to waste on speed. ~ Edward Abbey

Everywhere there is evidence of industriousness—stacked bundles of fresh hay, new fences being put up, new decks, new gardens put in, the yard junk being cleaned up after years and years of inertia. But it is the Wood Pile that most impresses me--those lovely piles that reek of muscles earned the honest way, of strength and stability, of sweet wood smoke, of an honest day’s work. So many of them stand as works of art, and I envy them for their solidity, their orderliness, the perfect roundness of the ends reserved for later splitting. My piles seem to wallow in imperfect symmetry, clinging to some semblance of balance that allows them to sway and threaten disaster but hang on in some lucky happenstance, an Amazing Race Road Block gone nearly awry.

The civilized man has built a coach, but has lost the use of his feet. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

There are things you notice when you go by at a walking clip that you miss out entirely from the zippy confines of your car or bike: the tiny, lovely details of somebody’s garden; the smattering of slugs along the roadside; the preponderance of crows, suddenly, that caw and screech and drown out the sweeter melodies of the songbirds; the trill and silent flight of an overhead hawk; the comings and goings of daily life.

Gill, a semi-suburban, quasi-bedroom community, feels more like a small agricultural town bordering a bigger small city of Greenfield. There are a remarkable number of small family farms that have survived here to continue to offer up foodstuffs that are locally grown and lovingly coaxed from the fertile soil that lines this river valley. The Connecticut River, it seems, is always a stone’s throw away, but because it is a hilly town, with a few higher ridges overlooking the river, it is easy to forget its close proximity, especially if you were driving through, unless the fog had spread its thick spectral magic over the roads, forcing you to drive at a snail’s pace. But take a turn off the Main Road onto one of the smaller roads that lead straight down to the river, and you’ll enter land that seems unchanged in centuries of farming. A few old farms may dot the landscape, and perhaps a beautiful (and much coveted) old family house sharing space along the river with a grove of trees, but for the most part, the perfect rows of corn, or tobacco, or overflowing mounds of squash and pumpkins take center stage. Here there is a sense of yonder when you stand amidst the land, with views opening up all around you. And in other spots, where the quiet of the woods beckons, a comfortable knitted-in feeling pervades, drawing you into the soft shadows that fall amongst dappled sunlight stretching across trees and streams. There have been many times when I have stood and felt the hush and rush of such beauty. There is a sense of history, too, in the land, in the old farm implements that dot the landscape, the old grist mill wheels that people have planted in their yards, the old foundations here and there that evoke an earlier time in the town’s history, when the green was filled with taverns and inns, schools, and stores, and town farmers and travelers clicked glasses well into the night. The Gill Tavern sits where the old Gill Store used to stand, serving up dinners and spirits, and providing a spot where the townsfolk can gather and greet each other and celebrate things small and large, Obama’s election, a neighbor’s homecoming from the hospital, graduation, the Oscars. But the town is quiet for the most part, with few gathering spots other than the Tavern and the small, lively library that sits across the way. It’s hard to see people. There are no real neighborhoods here, where you can step outside and greet your neighbors, where kids can spill out into yards and cul-de-sacs for instant play-dates and self-governed misadventures. Walking, it seems, has been the best way to pop into people’s lives every now and then, remind myself that there are, in fact, people out there, and, out of all the little impromptu chance meetings, to knit together a richer sense of community.

Sometimes, but only a few times, I’ve felt uncomfortable walking about. When the sun dips suddenly and I worry that I will run out of light; when the familiarity that has cloaked me suddenly falls off, and I find myself in a strange place. I’ve walked into and walked past a few big blow-out domestic quarrels, too, and have had to speed up to clear out, give some space, my ears filled with the sounds of shouting that was no doubt used to a more private audience.

Mostly, though, I have felt more and more comfortable in my town as I have walked it, more enamored of its quirky mix of people, its breathtaking beauty, its imperfect charm. Walking, I have found, is the best way for me to get out and see people. Since our closest neighbors live nearly a mile up a dirt road behind our house, or across the street in the big old stone lodge, or down the hill in either direction, there are very few opportunities to say hello in this car-centric culture of ours. You walk from your front door to the driveway, where you climb into your car and shut the door on any opportunities for face-to-face contact. And the long winter months, when people hunker down inside and hole up in front of wood stoves, can be absolutely bone-crushingly lonely.

Walking—even in the clutch of winter—affords me the luxury of running into friends and neighbors and people I didn‘t know but get to know by the sheer act of stopping to say hello--people doing yard work, shoveling snow or hail (!), walking or running or biking, playing with their dog, catching frogs at the campus pond. Walking has, for me, hemmed together those long stretches of roadways that separate us into a smaller, more accessible patchwork of people, farms, lives, a neighborhood of sorts, and with it, the opportunity to stay connected and hook into a decidedly more enchanted flow of life, through which I have happily been a bigger part of that living breathing organism of Gill life, all interconnected and interdependent, flowing through and with each other, those streams and brooks and tributaries flowing throughout town before ultimately emptying into the big river.

I remember one such walk that I took several weeks ago with Daisy. It was a Saturday. I had planned on making lots of swim spots; it was a hot day, and she’s prone to overheating in her thick black coat, so we headed down Main Road from our house, intent on swinging down to the NMH boathouse by the river, where she could jump off the dock and swim to her heart’s content. On the way, we ran into several neighbors just out in their yards, putting in gardens, watering porch plants, playing with their children. If I’d been driving by in a car, I would not have been able to say a proper hello, much less enjoy an exchange of conversation. Closer to the turn off for the river, we encountered a family setting out with a new acquisition: a pup named Cita, who was flying about the leash like a wayward over-caffeinated planet trying to stay in orbit. Daisy and Cita ran about together for awhile before we set out for the dock, where Daisy slid into the pollen-coated water and swam in tight circles before I letting me pull her up to shake and splatter yellow wet across the dock. Up on campus, we said hello to a bunch of people, stopped to get caught up, and then made our way to Shadow Lake, where a friend and his young son were trying to catch frogs. We stayed for a good twenty minutes, Daisy splashing in and out of the pond, lily pads tangled around her skinny ankles, and ruining any chances we had at actually netting one of those bull frogs. In the woods, we had just begun to run the two miles, and beat the bite of the intrepid mosquitoes, when we quite literally ran into a border collie named Max and a woman on her bike. We got to talking, since it was that kind of a day, and discovered that she had walked the Boston 3-Day several years back, when they still had it in May, and a sudden bone-chilling snowstorm overtook the walkers, and hundreds were brought to the hospital to be treated for hypothermia. It is no wonder that they decided to hold the event in July after that!

A full 12 miles and 3 hours later, Daisy and I were at home, and I felt as if I had spent the morning gone visiting. There was a certain residual warmth about it that stayed with me for hours.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-three today and we don't know where the hell she is. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

And there are things you get to know, things you learn, from walking so very frequently and such very long distances: where the trees offer up cool shade on the really hot days, where the mosquitoes and black flies will swarm, where the good pit-stops are (again, trees), where people seem to want to drive you off the road and where you might not see a single car go by, where you might stretch out along a bridge overlooking a stream, where the psycho dogs live and which ones, tied up or restricted to their underground electric fences or smashed against the door screen, might bark in a mounting, wild frenzy before settling into a tail-wagging love-fete (oh, that would be my dog). That there are a lot of red pick-ups in Gill. That someone seems to drink endless nips of vodka on the ride home and tosses the empties out their car window at precisely the same spot every time. That cars have a smell to them, and if the windows are down, you can tell what someone has just been eating, or smoking. The greasy stench of fast food. The nose-tingling scent of cigars. Juice boxes. Cheese doodles.

The air, too, has been filled with the fragrance of life returning, then blazing, and time passes so quickly, and the warm season is so short here in these northern valleys, that soon the smell of decay will too be upon us. Summer always feels so truncated--by the lateness of springtime’s pendulant arrival, on one end, and at the other, by the premature rush to autumnize and back-to-school everything, beginning, it seems, in early August, just as summer is beginning to sink its hooks into the landscape.

Never was there anything more sweet and satisfying, though, as walking through air this spring scented with the lush, rich blossoms of apple, peach, pear and wild cherry trees opening to the first breath of air, lilacs, black locust, the shad bushes that once heralded the return of millions of fish (and gathering tribes) to the river every May, and meadows ripe with wildflowers and grasses. The trout lilies ushered in a host of spring wildflowers, clover, wild geranium, may apple, that lay straining and scattered along the dusty roadsides and across the leas, infusing the air already flush with lilacs. The succession of colors have been lovely to watch; the yellow sea of dandelions, the bright pinks mixing with the white of the daisies and yarrow, the Indian paintbrush in many colors, and all those I have never found a name for. And now…the milkweed has come up in our perennial garden again, and I will leave it, as I did last year, to cycle through its wonderful stages, the pink globes of small clustered flowers that welcome bees and butterflies, and then, the sudden appearance of pouches and seed purses, and the sticky white sap that runs down the tall green stalks while the winds spread the seed ‘chutes over the land.

We sampled spring’s fare: ramps, dandelion greens, fiddleheads, nettle, scapes, asparagus., and just a few weeks ago, the first strawberries of the late springtime that edged into these few short weeks of summer that never seem to stay long enough, like a bird in constant flight, never stopping to rest or stay, always swooping and searching the tips of ocean waves for food, a constant, restlessness at its side.

There was the familiar pop of strawberry pulled from stem, the fine white bubbles of the spittlebug nymphs, the enormity of the first strawberries, the miracle of the first taste…
There’s something about this time spent in the rows surrendering to the task at hand, the meditative search and rescue of strawberries suffering from too much rain, surrounded by neighbors and strangers alike, that feels like an instant gathering…I’d like to stay all day if I could, awash in conversation and community and the feeling of connection and bounty. But the skies are threatening, the air is humid and buggy, and there is, of course, walking to be done. We make jam, line our pantry shelves with the ball jars bright red , ready to spill some of summer color into the white grays of the coming winter.

And then the rains came. Rain, rain, chilly rain. Torrential rains. Flash floods. Hail that blasted through the leaves and pocked the gardens. Big, booming thunderstorms that sent the dog to simper and pace and take refuge under the bed. The strawberries never quite recovered. Pickers were few and far between, convinced that the rain had made a soggy mess of the patch, that it was not worth it.

Of course, they were pretty much wrong. On my last day of picking, a season, it seems, without last year’s leisurely stretches of picking opportunities, and instead, squeezed into ½ hour slots like some regimented parent-teacher conferences, I expected the worst: soggy rows bereft of any plumb picking, and instead filled with overly ripe mushy wasted berries, rotten to the core. Like all those would-be pickers who stayed home, I, too, was wrong.

Sure, there were many berries so covered in the dusty grey mold that you wouldn’t recognize them as anything being once remotely edible, let alone delicious. And yes, there were plenty that had waited on the stem far too long to be picked, and now suffered in silence, destined not for the expectant mouth of some eager child, or a batch of fresh jam, a pie, or to be sliced, sugared, and heaved into a pile onto some shortcake, covered in whipped cream, and memorialized as the season’s best, but instead for a lonely, gradual decomposition, aided along by the intermittent nibblings of curious, hungry birds, animals, insects. But everywhere in between there were bright red lovely strawberries that caught my eye, clumps of good picking that filled my box in less than thirty minutes, and sent me home with enough berries for another 6 jars of jam.

Sometimes, you forget that there is always an upside.

When the sun comes out after weeks of rain and gray skies, it seems like some blast of life that pulls you from the trenches and refreshes your better sensibility, your spirit. And really, we’ve had so much rain that it’s been tough to feel good, to let out that inner sunshine. Plus, there’s the fact that the slugs are threatening to take over. They splatter the roads and when we walk, there they are, underfoot, unavoidable, disgusting little lumps of sticky smooshed flesh that seem to have been dumped from the skies. They have eaten all our basil, and are starting in on our lettuces and greens. We have discovered their secrets, though: they love beer, and it seems, will do anything for a sip. So, we entice them with low vats of the frothy stuff, into which they clamor and climb and eventually drink themselves silly into such a stupor that they don’t quite get that they are drowning. We’ve been pulling twenty or more of the little fat, frat boy-slugs out of the beer vat every day. Who knew?

The rain has not stopped me from walking. As Charles Dickens once said, If I could not walk far and fast, I think I should just explode and perish. Boy, do I get that. It seems that once you start walking, it is hard not to do it every day. A little addiction. Must walk today else my head will spin. So, rain or shine, I’m out there, chasing pavement. And besides, walking in the rain is good training, to see if my rain gear will hold up, if slathering my feet with un-petroleum jelly before setting out will really prevent blisters when every other step is one that takes me into through a puddle, if my gear, body, spirit can prevail through whatever the weather.

Rain or shine, I have my favorite spots: the quiet of the unpaved, back roads that wind through town forest and farmland, the pooling streams that form falls through old grist mill walls and tumble and roar into the Connecticut, the kitsch and warmth of the Wagon Wheel, a lively, comfortable spot along Route 2, where the people are always friendly and the food is always good, and where I can use a flush toilet…

And the best thing? There is always something waiting to be discovered. To borrow a couple of quotes from John Burroughs, the American naturalist and essayist:

To find the universal elements enough; to find the air and the water exhilarating; to be refreshed by a morning walk or an evening saunter... to be thrilled by the stars at night; to be elated over a bird's nest or a wildflower in spring - these are some of the rewards of the simple life.

And yet,

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read and all the friends I want to see.
~ John Burroughs

Some day, perhaps. For now, I am happy to find the time to be able to put some thoughts down before heading out to walk the beat. Hope to see you on the trail.

Trading Meds with my Dog: the Pitfalls of a Dilapidated Memory

I hate it when I forget to take my Tamoxifen. Worse is being unable to remember if I’ve taken it or not. It makes me feel like a demented old hag (or perhaps just a regular old Used Bagge), my brain all crumbly and spent, those bong hits coming back to torment me from my Iron Lungs days. Ha ha, you did kill too many brain cells. So, I pace, I try to reconstruct my day, try to remember grabbing the bottle, unscrewing the cap, popping the pill into my mouth with a swig of water, draining the glass. But I can’t. Did I take it? Did I take it? It might have been yesterday, after all, or another day. What’s to distinguish this time from another?

I have to remember to give my dog, Daisy, her Phenobarbital, too. They are round, white tablets, like the Tamoxifen, but smaller, and she gets two at a time, once in the morning and once in the evening. I just get one Tamoxifen, at midday. Sometimes I accidentally take two Tamoxifen in my hand and begin to put them in my mouth. Oops! Sometimes I grab the Phenobarbital bottle instead, and start to dump a few into my hand. Ooops! Those plastic medicine bottles look pretty much the same, and if it weren’t for the doggies on the top of Daisy’s, I’d really be screwed. But just the same, I don’t always take notice of the little doggies on the top, or the fact that my bottle is orange, Daisy’s is green, and am often left wondering if I have given Daisy her Phenobarbital or if I have slipped her a couple of Tamoxifen instead. Sometimes I wonder if I should try taking her Phenobarbital instead of my Tamoxifen, a swap. I could use a sedative every now and then.



Initially, I took my Tamoxifen in the morning, along with copious amounts of supplements all intended to make me think I can control my destiny, my health. Vitamin D, because it just rains and rains and rains and there is no way we’re getting enough from the sun this summer, let alone in the winter. A big fat multivitamin, a big fat B complex, good for de-stressing. A bundle of cal/mag, keeping the bones strong in the wake of the Tamoxifen, which sucks the calcium out and sets you up for osteoporosis. Extra magnesium citramate, to help me absorb all that calcium. Evening primrose oil, flax seed oil, fish oil. Anti-inflammatories, all. CoQ10. Why not CoQ11? Milk thistle extract, to keep my liver healthy. Daisy gets that, too, in her dinner. And my latest addition: Glucasomine, to help with all the joint pain. And then, of course, the Tamoxifen, in the plastic orange bottle, no doggies on top. It was infinitely more easy to remember to take it when it was part of the pack. Sure, what’s one more? But I was hot flashing like mad at night while I tried to sleep, whipping off the covers, then my clothes, and finally, wishing I could shave my head, lose the long, thick hair that enveloped me like a Russian Ushanka, a brick oven, a fat cat, and stop the damn sweating. My breast doctor suggested taking the Tamoxifen at noontime, see if that helped. It did. The hot flashes, for the most part, stopped torturing me at night; instead, they crept up all of a sudden at various times during the day, seizing me in the car, windows down, quick, or while grocery shopping, sending me running into the ice cream section for relief, or trying to teach the boys some Spanish, estoy muy caliente! I dress in layers, and a tank top is always my first one, just in case I have to strip down to the bare essentials. What else is a girl to do?



So, now, instead of losing sleep over the relentless thump of hot flashes that yanks me from my better dreams to set me afloat in a sea of sweat, I lose my head over trying to remember if I’ve taken the damn thing. Did I? Did I? I can’t remember, I can’t remember! I curse myself. Why am I so stupid?? What if I think I didn’t take it, and I take it, and I actually did take it, and so have now taken two in one day, what will happen to me then? There are silly, insidious places in my head where I try, desperately, not to go, but go I do, imagining all the horrible that might be.



I’ve tried to be systematic and smart and deliberate about it: marking it on a calendar, using sticker charts (yeah, that went over big), and finally, putting the container of Tamoxifen in the middle of the kitchen counter in the morning during my supplement feast so I would see it later and remember, remember! to take it, and then, once I’ve taken it, return it to the masses of bottles to the side, so I would remember, remember! that I had, in fact, taken it. But sometimes I will see it there amongst its more alternative friends, and I’ll think to myself: perhaps I didn’t take it at all, perhaps I only forgot to put it into the middle of the counter, and it hasn’t moved since yesterday. Two things to remember: take the meds, then remember that you’ve taken your meds. Shit. Why is life so complicated?



Daisy, it seems, remembers. She comes into the kitchen after breakfast and nudges me, stares me down with her ridiculously big pleading eyes until I say, “Oh, Daisy, are you ready for your medication?” Which means to her, “Oh, Daisy, would you like some chicken?” I learned early on that the only way she’d take it, without spitting out the little tablets onto the kitchen floor in distaste, was to give her a piece of chicken first, then open her jaw, toss the little buggers in, tell her to “swallow, swallow!” in a high, sing-songy voice that promises something more fabulous (a walk, a ride in the car, a chance to chase the ball, the Frisbee, a present to open, someone to bark at up on the road) than what she’s getting, and then quickly give her a second piece of chicken, which she’ll take greedily and which helps the Phenobarbital go down. She is not tricked as much as is in on the game herself, knowing full well that I’ve given her foul-tasting nasty little pills in between something delicious. It’s worth it, obviously. She’s willing to put up with it. Plus, I think she likes being a little spaced out on Phenobarbital. Takes the edge off her usual frenzy of friendliness and anxiety. Makes those thunderstorms seem more like squabbling neighbors than an all out assault from the gods above. Easy peasy. Doesn’t everyone deserve something that helps them feel a little bit better about everything?



I don’t always remember to give Daisy her meds. Sometimes I go to bed and am haunted by bad dreams telling me I have forgotten to do something vitally, critically important. I spring to, half-awake, half-entranced by sleep, and suddenly, my mind is absolutely clear: I know exactly what I have forgotten to do, and I can‘t for the life of me understand why I wouldn‘t remember it in the morning. It is there, right there, in my mind. I see it. Oh, yes, I think, I did forget that. Forgot to take my Tamoxifen. Give Daisy her Phenobarbital. Answer that e-mail. Teach the boys about appositives. Or, something with more catastrophic consequences. Something so important that the darkness surrounding me seems filled with demons and goblins and mean spirits scolding me, pulling me deep into an underworld of regret that spits me out, a malcontent insomniac wondering when the sun will come up. And yet, in the light of the morning, my mind is as dark as the night, and I have no recollection of what it is I forgot. All I know is that I have remembered to forget something, again. That I am pathetic. That my brain is a slippery mess of curly-Qs, nonsensical, hollow tubes leading to nowhere. That I am surely doomed when I am an old biddie and have more than just Tamoxifen to take, more than just Phenobarbital to give to my dog. By then, perhaps, I will be on Phenobarbital, and Daisy will be on Tamoxifen, and she’ll be duping me with chicken, tossing the pills down my throat, Swallow! Swallow!

Oy.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Barefoot Runner

Just yesterday, on our way back from lunch out on the town, the boys and I spotted the Barefoot Runner. He was wearing a bright orange vest, an odd apron-styled top that went to just above his knees, blue leggings, and…no sneakers, no socks, just bare feet, which he lifted slowly and gingerly with each step as if he’d been walking on broken glass, crusty pavement, roadside nasties. He carried a bright yellow sign on his back: SUPPORT DOWN SYNDROME, DONATE TO NDSS AT BAREFOOTRUNNER.NET. We saw the sign first, of course, that, and the dirty soles of his feet as they were lifted one by one, up down, slap, slap, slap. We drove by slowly, rubbernecking, trying to make sense of him. As we passed by, we noticed that his hair was exceptionally short, making him much more clean shaven than most young men in the valley. He had a slightly bemused expression on his face that didn‘t offer many clues, other than, perhaps, he knew he was a bit of a spectacle, and was acutely aware of all the attention he was getting. And, there was the fact that you could tell his feet hurt. He was not running, as his sign might have promised, but walking. And there was a nearly emphatic ouch in every step.

This morning, there he was on our breakfast table. Front page of the local paper. Big color photo, same bemused expression, same grubby feet. On the back of the first section, there he was again, stepping carefully along the white lines of Route 2, big yellow sign hanging below his wide brimmed hat and pack.

Tim Bourassa is walking from Williamstown, in the far northwest corner of Massachusetts, to Woburn, his hometown closer to Beantown. A full 138 miles. He is 39, not a young man anymore, but not quite pushing 45, as many of us are. He is walking to raise money on behalf of his fiance’s brother, who has Down syndrome. He’s raised $1063, but has set a goal to raise a total of $7500 for the National Down Syndrome Society. He decided to walk across the state after losing his job as a store manager, and figuring he “could do good with some of my time.” Imagine if all those unemployed workers out there set their minds to promoting worthwhile causes and tackling similar good deeds?

What the newspaper did not mention is that Tim Bourassa is a grandfather, amazingly, and was inspired to ditch the running sneakers after his grandson was born--born, according to his blog, “amazingly with nothing on his feet. I’d personally say his feet are perfect, legs perfect, hips perfect, back perfect. He’s just perfect.” Perfect until he starts wearing “those cutie socks and mary janes and little tiny running sneakers awe they are all so cute!!!!” Bourassa believes that shoes ruin our feet. “Let’s blame our ancestors first, as they are the ones who ruined it for us in the beginning. They moved to cooler climates and to different terrains sometimes out of pure necessity. Then let’s blame the people that decided we need to put footwear on our feet to protect them.”

Hmmm…ok, I’ve heard of this theory a few times before now. And I do like going barefoot occasionally. But walk the 3-Day in nothing but bare feet? Without my lovely new running sneakers and custom-made orthotics that take care of my anteverted hips, over-pronation, and leg length discrepancy? I think the last time I went barefoot for any length of time my plantar fascitis started to kick in, and I couldn‘t walk at all.

Bourassa’s advice for people with foot problems is simple: lose the shoes.

“And why are my toe nails falling off where did i get this HAMMER toe, why do I take a fungal prescription etc etc etc ....... so take those shoes and socks off move around the house the yard barefoot go to the beach STRETCH those sore puppies out. Just like your parents taught you to walk with those shoes you can teach yourself to walk work and play with none.”

Ok, ok. But what about all the nasties on the roadways and sidewalks? Are you worried at all about stepping on something dreadful, or picking something up, or having forever-earth-burnished feet? Doesn’t it hurt sometimes? Because, Tim, you see, when we drove by, you weren‘t running, you were making your way with pained feet across nobby, wet pavement. You were grimacing a bit. You were feeling it. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, with each and every step. We could tell. “Yes it hurts when you step on a rock or stub your toe... but so does knee and back surgery and if you believe me just ask those doctors that are cashing in on your PAIN.”

Ok, true, sometimes, I suppose. But I’m thinking that taking care of my feet --staying out of bad shoes, high heels, pinchers, and basically anything but my nifty customized running sneaks--is going to help me stave off the inevitability of hip replacement surgery (or perhaps, arthroscopic surgery) for a nice long time, yes? I’ve never been one for shoes. Many women go ga-ga over shoes. I’ve never understood it. I have about four pair. I did cram my feet into a pair of high heels last Saturday night after a lovely 12-mile walk not in barefeet but in my trusty Brooks. And I do admit, those pretty, strappy black shoes felt heinous and torturous and I took them off as soon as the gig was up and it felt absolutely divine to air out my dogs and “stretch those sore puppies out.” Nothing quite like touching down on the pavement, and feeling the cool of the evening on the soles of my feet. It reminded me of all the other times I’d stuffed feet into ridiculously skimpy, pointy-toed shoes and busted out sooner than perhaps was respectable. At my wedding, I wore flats, but before the reception even began, I was out of those wayward, dusty paddles, feeling the soft July grass underfoot, blustering my way through all the traditional nuptial nonsense, and finally, dancing to the beat of the Pigs, sans shoes.

Indeed, I am a barefoot dancer, and always will be. But running? Training for and walking the 3-Day? I don’t think so. So, barefoot runner, I understand the joy, but I also feel the pain. I’ll stick to my properly fitted running sneaks, thanks. I might not bag wearing shoes altogether, but I just may have to toss a few of the pinchier ones out. I’ll save the flirty black pair for those occasions when I have to don a dress and do my hair and clean my fingernails; I’ll be sure to take the shoes off just as soon as I can, and enjoy feeling the smooth chill of the pavement, the squish of soft sand between my toes, or the tickle of grass on my heels.

And when I’m ready to switch out, I’ll be sure to donate my old running sneakers, as Bourassa suggests in his blog, or recycle them (the Greater Boston Running Company in Lexington, for one, will take your old ones). I’ll let the Barefoot Runner have the last word: “Leave a better footprint on the earth our time is short but our children and their children must deal with our decisions!! Or just be really green and go barefoot your feet will adapt back to the way they were when you were born made to walk and run the earth!!!”

To make a donation to NDSS, go to the barefoot runner’s personal page:
https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=268148&supid=254782531 I wish you luck, Tim!

Last Saturday, I walked about eleven miles on the roadways of Gill. As usual, there was the typical road kill, and as I sidestepped these occasional nasties, I was awfully glad for my sneakers.

Road kill count: (which I tracked in my little Unabomber notebook)
1 squirrel, splayed, spread-eagle, face down, in the same fashion as the
1 banana peel, a bit further down the road, which smelled a whole lot better than the
1 raccoon carcass, rotting on the side of the road, its eyes staring out of hollowed out sockets, its stench rivaling the
1 dirty disposable diaper that must have rocketed off the garbage truck some recent morning during some particularly strong winds and
Finally,
1 cassette tape, crushed, its tape snaking along like an outed earthworm on a rainy day (didn’t cassette tapes die a long time ago?)

At the roadside restaurant where I stop for a small respite, there is a biker dude sitting in the table next to mine, who watches me as I scribble away in my little blank book (fits nicely in the fanny pack). As I stand up to go, he stands up, too, his long braided grey beard nearly stretching all the way to his leather clad knees. “Are you keeping a journal?,” he asks me.
“Uh, yeah…huh?” I am feeling particularly chatty.
“I saw you writing away in that little book and I wanted to make sure you weren’t the Unabomber.”
“Uh-huh.” (Didn’t they catch that guy? Eons ago?) Homeland Security?

On the way home, I plug myself into my iPod and walk up the hills on Mountain Road, glad for the chance to escape the rattling pick-ups and silent hybrids pushing me into the crusty shoulder. At the top, the air is so sweet and smoky that it brings back my very best memories of being in the woods, the freshness of the air an instant portkey to happier, safer times. Listening to the B-52’s sing Planet Claire on the top of this lovely spot reminds me of doing yoga while watching the Colbert Report.

If I could just live in that air, weave spirit and bend with the ash and poplar and birch in the winds, climb in between the heavy stones that balance the ancient walls and let the gathered softness line my sleep, I’d fill my hollows with that gentle sweetness and breathe again.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

It’s the color, not the size that matters: A Little Boobie Background


Dominick recently informed me that the Blue Footed Boobies might not be the best name for our Breast Cancer 3-Day team. "Mom," he said, "Booby means idiot, did you know that? You named your team the Blue Footed Idiots! You can't name yourselves that!"

Hmmm...

I will admit, I have felt like an idiot in recent weeks. I have had many Dola-Days, when I had no choice but to smack myself upside the head over and over again for some sort of forty-something foolishness. I have laughed at myself, cringed at my ridiculousness, my forgetfulness, raged against the absolute demoralization of being haunted by all my old injuries--the creaky overused knees, the whiplashed neck, that old girl stiffness--just when I was starting to feel strong again. I have learned that we are not always rewarded for having good intentions.

I am a Used Bagge, after all. Rugby Goddess, perhaps, but no longer a Spring Chicken. And definitely, no doubts about it, a Blue Footed Booby.

Despite my best efforts at training wisely for the Breast Cancer 3-Day 60 mile Walk, I seem to have fallen into my old competitive mode, even calling it a "Race" a few times (oops! upside the head) and striving to temper my tendecy towards over-doing with doing just the right amount. Right now, I am a Swollen Footed Idiot, to be certain. Despite the rivulets of blue veins running this way and that across the barren plains of my feet, there is little blue in my feet today, just foolishness at thinking that I could walk so, so long, over hills and streams, crisscrossing town lines, jumping over railroad tracks, pumping past the stench of fresh fertilizer, feeling the rush of springtime envelop me in its crackling, resonant hum, and somehow manage to escape tender feet, sore knees, and a stipple of sunburn along the back edges of my tank. Blue Footed Booby, indeed.

Actually, I felt pretty darn tootin' good, after last Saturday's twelve miles. After all, thanks to some great tips from my marathon running Facebook friends, I prepared myself well, slathering on the unpetroleum jelly all over my cracked, blister-prone heels, in between my toes; slipping on two pair of socks that I bought for their supposed anti-blister powers; and packing the essentials: water, shot blocks, cell phone, camera, iPod. I hydrated well beforehand, made sure I had gone pee (critical!), and stretched out before I set out to chase the pavement du jour; after all, I've been training for months, alternating walking with interval running and hills, weight training, yoga, and I've learned a few things about my body, things I had quite forgotten.

Loudest lesson to date: my 43-year old body does not reward me with the same kind of results that my 23-year old body did.

Training inside on bad weather days at the NMH gym, where 17-year olds fly past me on the treadmill, continues to remind me that I am no longer a sprightly 17-year old myself. It's funny how majorly delusional I can be, though, whipping through rounds of steep hills and fast sprints on the treadmill, thinking I am fly, indeed, only to realize my silliness: that everyone around me is going so much faster, sweating so much less, and doing their calculus homework at the same time to boot, and it all comes crashing down around me, for a second, anyway, before I am able to scrape my ego off the floor and pump myself back up with some appropriate kickass music: Donna Summer's Bad Girls, Prince's Uptown, and Lipp's piece de resistance, Funkytown. It's tough, though to contain myself when one of those songs hits, and I have often thought that those high-tech treamills should add a dance-break option: press a button ("Get Down"), and in the middle of your 5K run or walk, the treadmill stops to offer you a platform for getting your funk out, mid-stride, complete with disco lights that illuminate the typically stodgy, unforgiving floor, and turn your dull-as-toast workout into a veritable Blue Footed Booby dance-walk feast.

This past Saturday, for the first ten miles anyway, I ended up forgoing my iPod for the symphonic sounds of spring that surrounded me: the flirty peepers; a pair of hawks, circling and calling out to each other; the tumbling brook; the chorus of birdsongs; the wind rushing through the trees; and the subtle, explosive quiet of spring's majestic return to life. If you listen carefully, you can hear the growth and burst of buds and blossoms, the strain upwards and outwards through earth, into sky, the opening inside out. Really.

This very rush of life is what sustained me last spring, pulling me from one surgery to the next, and surrounding my recovery in the simple promise and energy of spring's rebirth, the quintessential fresh start. I remember walking about our property, allowing myself to be drawn in to the unfurling fiddleheads, the unraveling buds just starting to peek out into the sunshine. It wasn't that I hadn't noticed it all before, but it seemed different. I didn't rush it. I made it a priority. And there was nothing extraneous about it; rather, it became an essential need, a kind of nourishment that I couldn't do without. I'd spend hours just standing on the edge of the old beaver pond in our back wetlands, listening to the echo and hum and trill of the frogs and birds, watching the light bouncing off water and tree limb, the clouds move across sky and water. And when my strength returned, and I was able to walk longer distances than just the lovely little amble up and down the dirt road just down the trail and over the stone wall from our house, there was something infinitely reassuring about being able to lose myself in the rhythms of the natural world, something that brought me back into myself, and into a sense of oneness with the awakening going on about, within me.

This spring, I again have found solace and strength in walking, in relaxing into the primal rhythms around me, in spending lots of time outside. My training has brought me back into myself and into the land (and I don't know if there is a big difference between the two, actually) in different ways, summoning my warrior girl, and spiritual earth mother, invoking my inner athlete, and, alas, my toughest critic--me. And as much as my walk-abouts have done to bolster my flagging spirit, there is a new set of reality to contend with: my knees are wrinkly, and no matter how much exercise I get, my skin is simply not getting any firmer. Damn, damn, bummer-damn.

I know, I know. I shouldn't be concerned with such nonsense. See? Blue-Footed Booby, indeed.

Wrinkly knees, of course, will not impede. Sore feet, perhaps. On the last two miles of my walk, the heat had peaked--near 90 degrees--and I switched on a disco-flavored playlist on my iPod to provide me with the necessary boost to make it up the final hill. Earth, Wind, and Fire. Chaka Kahn. Wild Cherry. Did I really used to scream DISCO SUCKS at junior high school dances? Well, I was lying. Disco, as it turns out, ROCKS. There's nothing quite like listening to Wild Cherry's Play that Funky Music to get your ass up a really steep hill after walking non stop for three hours in the blistering heat. Maybe that's the boobies' secret: an endless loop of classic funk and disco being played in their heads that allows them the energy and inspiration to get down on it with their own blue-footed funky style of dance-walking bravado.

Despite Dominick's concerns, I stand by my selection of our 3-Day team's name, The Blue Footed Boobies. Aside from the obvious booby-breast association, the choice of the name The Blue Footed Boobies for our Breast Cancer 3-Day team reflects a whole lot more than mere digression into elementary school (or Judd Apatow) humor. When my family and I spent time in the Galápagos Islands in the summer of 2006, we were struck by the amazing diversity and uniqueness of the animals there—not only were they unlike any other animals in the world, but each and every one of them offered up something truly remarkable. Whether entranced by the Dancing with the Stars-choreographed courtship dance of the waved albatross, the endearing playfulness and sense of fun of the Galápagos sea lions, or the immense, lumbering size of the ancient Galápagos tortoises and the nonpareil grace of the sea turtles, we were riveted by the Galapagos animals, particularly since they were unbelievably unafraid of humans, making it quite possible to commune with them up close. Their lack of fear afforded an astonishing intimacy that felt like a rare, sublime treat: we were able to really get to know the animals in a way we aren't ever allowed in the untamed wilds of New England. When do we ever get to hang out with black bears? Run through the meadows with fox and deer? Watch a mink tend to its young? Not only did we snorkel and swim and play with the Galapagos animals (but not, of course, touch them), we also watched them dance and mate, fix their nests, and tend their young, all typically strict, private operations of wild animal survival and adaptation that humans aren't usually allowed access to (for good reasons). Being able to observe them in their natural habitat for minutes on end, we marveled at the evolutionary forces and sprightly hand that must have shaped them. It was truly a Darwinian feast.
Not many were more impressive, memorable and lovable than the Blue Footed Booby, whom we were able to observe in many different places and poses in the Archipelago: catching some alone-time among the mangroves, nesting and taking care of their young on the barren cliffs of Espanola, congregating on the shelves of rock in a hidden cove, and flying and fishing in swarms above the open seas. At first, we were captivated by their outward appearance—with big blue feet anchoring smooth white bodies with brown wings, heads and necks flecked with brown, and yellow beady eyes sitting atop long, sharp beaks, they were unlike any other bird in book or birding experience. Soon, though, they impressed us with their flying and fishing ability (not to mention their mooning ability—and the accuracy with which they were able to crap on us from their guano-thrones along the rocky cliff shelves). Plus, their babies were adorable; oversized, covered with white fro-fluff, and stuffed-animal-squeeze-ready, they hung out in nests that seemed to teeter on the edge of cliffs, turning their big eyes to us as we passed. Hello. I’m a Boobie. I may not have blue feet yet, but just you wait. What are you?



What’s not to love? Boobies of the blue-footed variety are not just amazingly beautiful; they are tenacious, powerful, lovely fliers, divers, and hunters; loving, protective parents; and at the time of courtship, hilarious, super-fly dancers. Their name, of course, only adds to their appeal. In Latin, their name is quite lovely: sula nebouxii. Boobies belong to the order of Pelicaniforms, along with pelicans and their relatives, all delightful, whimsical birds of the highest standing. And in English? Well, there’s just something fun about saying Blue Footed Booby. Especially the Booby part. Booby!There is much speculation how the Blue-Footed Booby got its name. The first colonists who came across the fascinating bird may have been rash to call them “bobo,” Spanish for “stupid fellow,” but call them "bobo" they did, after watching them waddle about clumsily on land, completely unafraid of them, making them easy to catch (and eat, it would seem). And no doubt they were impressed with their blue feet. These misguided first impressions may have given them the unflattering name, but there are many who believe that the birds were graced with the name because of their bravery in the face of danger as well as their apparent lack of fear as far as humans were (and are) concerned. This makes more sense to me. I’d like to think that the name was bestowed as a term of endearment. Given how charming these birds are in real life, it’s hard to imagine that it was done in any other way.

Imagine a crop of your contemporaries running into a colony of dance-walking blue footed boobies during their courtship rituals, and you might get a different response. Blue-footed, yes. But Booby? According to the Urban Dictionary, that fascinating, alarming mix of slaughtered, refashioned words from the ever-evolving English language, a booby is “A species of seabird. Subspecies include the Blue-footed Booby.” Yes! Somehow, that definition garnered the top spot, right before numero dos: "Yeah, we all know: a woman’s jubbilies. Jubbilies? Man, I am so out of it. Somewhat hilariously, someone also posted a definition of a booby as “a wannabe gangster, one that is very retarted, another name for bobby, as in booby is my home dawg.” Funny, I’ve never heard Randy Dawg say that on American Idol. As for me, I couldn’t get past the “retarted.” Hello? Any brain cells left? As for the other definitions (yes, quite catastrophically, there were more), they made even less sense than the “retarted wannabe gangster bobby,” and were so riddled in misspellings and text lingo that I got a really bad headache just from reading the stuff.



It’s hard not to fall in love with the Boobies, wannabe gangsters that they are. When I first thought of doing the Breast Cancer 3-Day 60 mile walk, I immediately thought of the Boobies and chose the name for my team, intent to “have their spirit infuse the experience with the joy and strength and love they exhibit in their every step.” After all, the Blue Footed Boobies sleep at night (sometimes, it is rumored, in pink tent cities), feed during the day (every 3 miles, it is recommended, during their particularly long island-hoppers, to keep muscles well-fueled for the long haul), and often congregate in great numbers to hunt for fish in the open seas (or to walk monstrously long distances, because there’s no better way to ease your pain than to walk or fly with lots and lots of friends). Perfect! My fellow Blue Footed Boobies are my home dawgs!



Boobies, of course, are often described as being rather clumsy and slow on land, but we won’t let that bother us, since (Fly Girls that we are) will fly more than walk. Have you ever seen a Booby dance? Check it out here. Plus, when they take to the air, Blue Footed Boobies are beautiful, graceful fliers, with impressive wingspans of nearly 5 feet, which they put to good use when hunting for small fish in the seas off the coast of South America. They often feed in groups, and pity the poor schools of small fish that might be lurking just underwater. The boobies seemed perfectly adapted for their own extreme version of spear-fishing; able to fold their wings back and turn themselves into stream-lined, torpedo predators, they rocket downward at incredible speeds, a sharp-shooting pell-mell into the sea to snatch their prey with their long beaks. We witnessed just such a Booby Brigade one early morning in the Galápagos, when thousands of them gathered in the skies above to circle, wings outstretched and flapping noisily, just overhead, only inches away, and back again, to dive en masse for their breakfast, their bodies like missiles, their beaks like spear points drilling the water with a small, unadulterated zzzzip of a splash, times a thousand. It was amazing acoustically and visually, and we sat in our panga for a long time with mouths open, staring, heads swiveling to try to follow the hordes, trying to take it all in.



Boobies, it seems, have a keen sense of humor, as well as a well-developed playful, mischievous side. On the northwest region of Isabella, along the shelves of rock and layers of ash in Taugus Cove, where pirates of long ago hid out, counted their booty, and hauled off zillions of Galapagos tortoises for food, and where guano-collecting ship crews left ancient graffiti on the walls, sit hundreds of blue footed boobies, who seem to enjoy shooting off rounds of excrement at the tourists who come in their pangas to take pictures of the seemingly placid, cooperative birds. The tourists, of course, always come away with more than they bargained for. It reminded me a bit of being at the Atlanta Zoo, and watching a silverback gorilla grab handfuls of his poop and throw it at the horrified crowds who had come to ogle.


We’re planning on behaving ourselves (of course, the best laid plans often do go awry, and since we are wanna gangsters, there are no guarantees!), and since part of our training must include getting used to doing our business in porta potties during the three days of the walk (joy!), perhaps we should take our cues from the Boobies, and get used to forgoing the privacy around toileting we are used to.

One of the most enchanting things about the Blue Footed Booby is, of course, those blue feet! The blue, the color of the island sky, looks fashionista-fabulous next to the black volcanic rock of the islands, the brown cliff walls, and the deep henna-brown of its wings, and plays a central role in the blue footed booby mating ritual. As is the case of many bird species, females are usually a little bit bigger than the males, who in turn focus all their energy on trying to have the bluest feet ever! so they can, what else, attract a mate.

Boobies live and nest in colonies (again, think pink tent cities), filled with courting and mating pairs of males and females, new parents protecting eggs and young chicks, and fresh faced adolescent boobies at various stages of their development (ok, none of that is going to happen at the 3-Day camp, to be certain. It's all against the rules. And they are very strict about the rules.) Since boobies do not have a distinctively defined breeding season, their colonies play host to boobies of all ages, making for an often noisy, busy place on the high cliffs of the island.

The colony often boasts boisterous pairs of courting boobies, with the males doing everything in their power to show off their bright blue feet to the females, who will ultimately choose to mate with the male who has, you guessed it, not the biggest, but the bluest feet. The male waddles over to a certain female who has caught his eye (petite feet? nice gams? that special come-hither look?) and begins to showcase his blue feet by strutting about (well you can tell by the way I use my walk I’m a woman’s man, no time to talk), lifting his feet up quickly and then lowering them down slowly, over and over again in a crazy hormone-fueled dance, before joining with his chosen, now-swooning female in a courtship dance that will either make or break their union. In another move that clearly inspired Tony Manero, the pair points their bills upward in the air while the male spreads his wings and whistles. Once the hook-up has been secured, the male brings the female some nesting material as a final demonstration of his commitment. I’ll be there for you, baby, and I’ll be a good Daddy-o, too. Typically, females lay their small clutch of eggs in small depressions in the ground without much of a nest, so the gift of nesting material is pure symbolic gesture. But the males do indeed follow through on their promises, helping out by using their large blue feet to cover, warm, and protect the eggs. The females do the same, with each parent taking turns to ensure that their brood remains safe from harm.

The boobies take care of their hatched young for just the first couple of months, after which time a chick can, apparently, take care of itself. We witnessed many pairings of mother and chick on the rocky cliffs of Espanola Island. The chicks are covered in hilarious and copious white fluff, which makes them look bigger than Mom. The chicks instinctively know to stay close to the nest. Boobie parents will not retrieve a chick who strays, so don’t go chasing waterfalls, and please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to…

Boobies can live 17 years in the wild. And domesticated boobies? Who knows. Fortunately, it hasn’t been attempted. Until now. I’m planning on returning to the wild sometime soon; I’ve spent far too much time cloaked in the promise of domesticated bliss, and am in need of a little adventure. Blue footed boobies have been known to stray off course and find themselves far, far away from home. In the summer of 2006, a lone blue-footed booby was spotted in Skagit County, in Washington state, and attracted quite a lot of attention. Must have chased a waterfall.

It’s no wonder the Blue-Footed Booby has made its way into the hearts of millions—and to the number five spot (after the polar bear, tiger, snow leopard, and panda) in the Top 5 Animals Adopted in the World Wildlife Fund Online Adoption Center. Boobies are the bomb. Wouldn't you like to be a Booby too?


The Blue Footed Boobies are looking for a few good males…with striking blue feet, of course…and females, too, to join us to walk in the Breast Cancer 3-Day, this July 24-26 in Boston. The Blue Footed Boobies will be walking for our girls, and yours, and all those girls grown and gone and those not even sprouted yet. The Blue Footed Boobies will be walking for boobies everywhere!

With a little luck, our feet will hold up on the hot, Boston pavement as well as the boobies’ feet hold up on the hot, crusty, sharp volcanic rock of the Galápagos Islands. I have no doubts that the current crop of Boobies--myself, my mother, Angie, Ursula, and Jeanne--will kick 3-Day butt, raise a whole lot of money for the Susan G. Komen for the Cure, and do ourselves proud. We might be the Boobies Five now, but we'd love to expand our colony, add some wannabe gangsters to the mix, a few more home dawgs, a handful of bobos. And it sure would be nice to have an even number of Boobies so the tenting thing works out a little more easily. Boobies Ten? Now, that has a nice ring to it. So, please--think about joining us! And if you're not able to don your blue feet and walk with us, please consider making a donation to help us go beyond our team goal. Adopt a Blue Footed Booby today!

To Boobies everywhere,
Blue Footed, Bionic, Nursing, or Not,
I give you the Boobie salute:
Wherever you are in the world,
Take good care of yourself,
And take good care of your girls!


XX, Liz

Friday, April 3, 2009

The Blue Footed Boobies: Walking for Boobies Everywhere!

Me thinks that the moment my legs begin to move, my thoughts begin to flow.
~Henry David Thoreau

April 3, 2009

Dear friends and family,

I trust you are all enjoying these first miraculous bursts of springtime sunshine and warmth, and are doing well. It seems amazing and wonderful to me that winter has lovingly loosened its grip so that spring may unravel and unwind before us once again; just yesterday, I was walking at dusk, awash in the colors of the fading sun, and now and then the deafening, vibrational song of the peepers surrounded me with the pulse of earth‘s ebullient verve, and I returned home glad for the fact that this spring, there are no limits to what I can do, that I can swirl and dance and take all this new life in, rake the dead winter leaves out of my garden, spread some new seeds into the ground, and run with the wind through the ripening trees.

Just two weeks ago, on March 24, I observed the one-year anniversary of my mastectomy, the day they cut the cancer out, tested my nodes, began reconstruction, and delivered some pretty good news: they had gotten it all. On the outside, this March 24th was a day like any other, caught in the rush ‘n go of my daily grind like a twig stuck in a spoke on a bicycle wheel, but inside, I was feeling the year, with all its tremulous highs and bungee-cord lows, wash over me in hushed, breathy waves. I felt the whoosh of where I’d been, the cold fingers of fear tapping me on the shoulder, the rush of love and warmth that brought me here, and the stark loneliness of the landscape stretched out before me. I was grateful for the reminder of how far I‘ve come, how much I have to be thankful for, how lucky I’ve been. You’ve all been a huge part of this continuing journey, and I write to ask for your support again.

As some of you may know, I'm currently training to walk in the Breast Cancer 3-Day, a 60 mile walk over three days in Boston, this coming July 24-26. Last December, after much torturous Libran consideration, I decided that life was too damn short to worry about my gimpy knee, or any other of my ailing Rugby Goddess body parts, that I was, quite simply, good enough to put my Used Baggage to the test and register already. Training has been exhilarating, a clear testament to the power and inspiration to be found in raising the bar and working together to chase down a goal that benefits the greater good, a marriage between Nike's Just Do It and Obama's Yes We Can campaigns. I feel honored and privileged to have this opportunity to give back, and in return, enjoy the rewards of extending my reconstruction to body, soul and spirit.

I am walking as Captain of The Blue Footed Boobies, a team of inspired women who have come together to conquer each and every mile and raise money for the Susan G. Komen for the Cure, which has, to this date delivered close to 1.2 billion dollars to fund research, awareness, education, screening, treatment, and support programs, making it the largest source of nonprofit funds dedicated to the fight against breast cancer in the world. What’s better yet is that the financial support is backed by the largest grassroots network of breast cancer survivors and activists all “fighting to save lives, empower people, ensure quality care for all and energize science to find the cures.” Since every major advance in the fight against breast cancer over the last 27 years has been impacted by a Susan G. Komen for the Cure grant, every facet of my own personal journey has, in turn, been touched by a Komen grant, making every step easier, lighter, smoother.

It is my hope that all women diagnosed with breast cancer feel as supported as I have been--by friends and family who took me by the hand and led me through the darkness and into the light, by the excellent doctors who put me back together, and by the untold numbers of researchers, nurses, doctors, philanthropists and regular folk who continue to work tirelessly behind the scenes and on the frontlines to ensure that all women have the best possible chance at not just making a full, comfortable recovery from breast cancer, but at enjoying many years of being able to live life to the fullest. Can you help me?

Each walker in the 3-Day is responsible for raising at least $2300. Thanks to the generosity of a handful of friends and family members, I am close to meeting my minimum, but I know together we can, and should, do a whole lot better. I would like very much to be able to raise enough money to support other walkers and team members who might not have the fundraising resources that I have.

There are many ways you can support The Blue Footed Boobies in our 3-Day efforts.

  • Make a donation. It’s easy! To give on-line, simply click on this link http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/Walk/BostonEvent?px=1980919&pg=personal&fr_id=1292 This will take you to my page on the 3-day site, where you can donate on-line. OR, if I have already cleared my minimum goal, please consider either donating to one of my teammates who may have not yet reached her goal, or mailing a check (made out to the Breast Cancer 3-Day) to me at 385 Main Road, Gill, MA 01354. This way, I can distribute the money to other teammates and walkers in need. All money raised goes to the same place, and helps The Blue Footed Boobies meet our team goal as well.
  • Walk with us! We are looking for teammates! My good friend Angie Murphy was the first to join me; my mother, who, at age 69 and with two artificial hips, has just recently signed on as a walker, demonstrating a firebrand of moxie that could only have come from her mother, the irrepressible Kay Reed. (With my ultra-fab new left girl, the Blue Footed Boobies could very well be renamed the Bionic Boobies.) There are several others waiting to take the plunge. I'd like to say: Go for it! The walk is rigorous to be certain, but it is also a great opportunity to set some personal goals and get in shape, embark on a real team expedition, and be a part of something truly inspirational.
  • Serve on the 3-Day Crew. They need all kinds of help, including medical professionals. Check out the 3-day site for more information. This is a huge piece of their success--and crewbies are the reason why we walkers don’t have to carry our packs, cook our own meals, or worry about getting ourselves to the ER if something should go awry (though my biggest fear is getting lost and not being able to find my tent on my way back from the porta potties at night, eek!).
  • Help me train! I am looking for walking partners, and additionally, people who want to ride or cross-train with me on my off days. I am always in need of encouragement, deep tissue work, and advice regarding blisters, workout gear, and the very best yoga positions for stretching those walking muscles. Plus, if you have any music in your collection that you think might be perfect for walking to, feel free to burn me a cd, and I’ll do the same for you. And, if you should find me on your doorstep one of these days, I’d appreciate it if you’d let me in so I could use your potty.

I consider myself very lucky to be able to continue to rebuild spirit and body through my training, to be able to give back, to quite simply be here now--exulting in the coming springtides, and nursing my first big blister. Truly, as much as luck is relative, I’ve been lucky from the get-go, and that has not been lost on me. My cancer was caught early, all my surgeries went without complication, and I was able to bypass the dreaded chemo. Most importantly, I was able to activate a large, wonderful network of friends and family, who have blessed me with support of many kinds: steering me through the labyrinthine jungle of breast cancer treatment options, and sending a steady supply of encouragement, dark chocolate, and love in the form of good healing Juju that still courses through my veins. With your help, I was able to assemble a team of the best breast cancer docs around, who carefully disassembled me and put me back together with tender loving care. My girls are doing well; my left girl received her finishing touch—a tattoo to restore some semblance of nipple and areola color—this past January and is settling into what she hopes will be a long, healthy retirement. And despite the nodules that have appeared on my thyroid, the hot flashes that have dismantled my memory, and the changes that have upended my moon cycles, I have fared fairly well on my first year of Tamoxifen (really!). And my boys are doing well, too. Luke will start at Northfield Mount Hermon next year as a freshman, and Dominick will begin his fifth grade year of home schooling with me. Over and over again, I am stunned by the speed at which my children are growing up. I am reminded often to cherish this time with them, that there will be more time for me later, that the wheels on this time-thingamajig spin way too fast.

And, as I train for the Breast Cancer 3-day, feeling my legs regain their strength and speed, my lungs expand and fill with each step, I am acutely aware of how lucky I am to be a player again. Life is not a spectator sport, after all. I am happily engaged in the ongoing process of learning how to best take care of myself, just part of the bumper crop of new lessons that were seeded long ago and that will undoubtedly continue to come to fruition as part of my ongoing journey: that it is in the reaching out that we receive what we need; that we should not wait to be cradling our own mortality in our arms before breaking free from the tethers of fear and shame and self-doubt and plunging ourselves into the deep languid pools of life’s richest waters; that it is within our interconnectedness that we find our comfort and strength, our grace and divine humor; that the best possible way I know to live my life is to try to find the bits of joy, no matter how tiny, in each and every day, and to share that joy with the world around me, and infuse our collective spirit with compassion and positive energy; and that we all have our dark days, when our inspiration whispers and rages from the deep, dark wells within, creativity flies in the face of our most spirited muse, and forgiveness chases away the demons.

I hope you’ll join me in supporting the Breast Cancer 3-Day. At a time when government funding is being redirected to try to stimulate our struggling economy, it is more critical than ever to work together to make sure organizations like Susan G. Komen for the Cure remain fully supported. And remember: The Blue Footed Boobies walk for all of you who have been touched by breast cancer: for you, for your mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, and most especially, for your daughters. We walk for boobies everywhere!

I look forward to hearing from you, getting caught up, and having the chance to convince you to join the Boobies (!). Please take note of my new email address at zilrendrag@yahoo.com (not to be confused with zilrendrag, that spammer from Zimbabwe, over at Comcast.net).

I send you love and light and all good things. Be well. XO, Liz

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Help me reach my goal for the Boston Breast Cancer 3-Day!

Monday, February 23, 2009

1. I'm a prolific sneezer. 2. I'm known for butchering song lyrics. 3. My first love, at the age of three, was a boy named Andrew.

There’s been a lot of self-vetting going on these days. Perhaps we’ve all been inspired by the more official political vetting process that has flushed out so many ugly oops-I-have-unpaid-taxes skeletons from the dark, forested closets of the appointees, but it seems that the overriding trend these days is to beat everyone to the punch, haul out the bones, dust them off, and hold some kind of opening to show them off. Facebook, that social networking site whose 150 million members are more and more reflecting the over-30 demographic, seems to be the prime site for revealing—through photos, lists, and daily proclamations—not only skeletons in the closet but hidden talents, secrets, and lives as well. Liberated from the un-examined dust bins and batten-down lock boxes of our souls, these boney bits and pieces have come together in dizzying juxtapositions of past, present, and future to form sprightly, sparkling, mercurial mosaics, of who we are, were, or might be, randomly, at any given moment in front of any given computer screen.

There has been the usual backlash to all this talk of self, of course. One such liberation list, 25 Random Things about Me, circulated from friend to tagged friend at lightning speed, swiftly taking Facebook by storm, and set off a thundering response of both criticism and applause. Hijacking its users with an urgency to come up with a list of tasty, entertaining morsels about themselves, the 25 Things phenomenon spawned a massive outpouring of self-vetting. My life is really a little better since I discovered Ambien. I lost my virginity on the beach, but I don’t really recommend it. Water, sand and not knowing what you’re doing is not necessarily a good combination, despite what you may think after seeing “From Here to Eternity.” Mix in a little self-flagellation, self-deprecation, and self-celebration, and you’ve got an interesting brew of stuff wafting about, waiting to be inhaled, drunk down, and circulated all over again. It’s a bit like the old party game Truth or Dare, except no one can blame the warm beer in the keg anymore for their overzealous candor.

The original 25 Things list has generated an imaginative crop of new lists and games to consider, from 15 Transformative Albums to Sweet Memory Share and One Word Answers (or “Yet Another Way of Spending Time on FB”). But none of them have garnered as much harsh criticism as the 25 Things About Me lists, which have been trashed by some as being “self-indulgent” and “silly.” In reality, the material put out by these amateur writers often proves to be far more witty, amusing and interesting than much of what is out there on the professional circuit.

Why all the fuss? What, exactly, is wrong with partaking in the 25 Things exercise?

Despite what the t-shirt at despair.com says (I don’t even want to know one random thing about you), it seems odd to me that this culture, punch-drunk and empty-headed on the artificial sweeteners of celebrity cocktails, would find fault with something that actually has some heft to it—as besotted as we’ve become with reality TV shows and the quest for our own 15 minutes of fame, we too hunger for the face to face, the genuine clasp of connection and community, the tether and trust of true friendship in a world that both isolates and scatters us. As well, we’re eager to find our voice, be heard, understood, accepted, unlock our throat chakras, say hey. What better way than to reach out to your friends with some self-illuminating details, and an invitation for them to do the same? I want to know more about you, so I’m going to tell you something about me so you’ll feel more compelled to share something about you, and then, unless we’ve shared too much and suddenly feel uncomfortable with each other, we’ll feel closer! Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to work? That’s healthy, isn’t it? I’m pretty sure that’s what I was taught growing up as the best way to make friends, deepen relationships, and feel a little less alone. Of course, depending on what you’re sharing, you could send some people running in the other direction—not always a bad thing, either.


Perhaps Tom Daschle could have benefited from the chance to write his own 25 Things You May or May Not Know About Me list. He could have gotten it all out in the open, saved his butt. 1. I'm allergic to bees. 2. I sucked my thumb until I was six. 3. Didn't pay $34,000 in income taxes, oops. 4. Favorite movie actress: Divine. Is he even on Facebook? Did we forget to tag him?

Facebook, like all successful, invasive species, has been skewered and spoofed by everyone, it seems. This, from idiotsofants.com and BBC’s The Wall: a hilarious look at what would happen if Facebook were actually played out in real life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrlSkU0TFLs

Our local morning DJ was recently heralding the fun to be had on Facebook. He made a distinction between his real friends as his “fake friends” on Facebook, and touted the etiquette inherent in such fallacious amity: why not allow anyone at all to be your friend on FB, since they’re not going to be your “real” friend anyway?

I, for one, would like to promote the finer points of quality over quantity as far as FB friends go. Somehow, I’ve amassed a group of FB friends that knit together circles of friends from high school, college, travels (however limited they’ve been), and my current community, with family members and the assorted former acquaintances who have become friends through our FB connection—it’s a lovely bunch, all very “real”, and nothing faux about them, and I do think they’d do most anything for me if I needed them to, not the least of which would be to write up 25 Things about themselves that I might not have known. Some of the connections I’ve made on Facebook have reminded me of the unexpected delight at making new friends at reunions with people I might not have known way back when or run across otherwise. There are friendships, always, to be mined.

I find the 25 Things exercise compelling, humorous, fun. I enjoy reading what my friends have chosen to drum up about themselves. It’s a self-vetting exercise as much as a therapeutic one—and an example of self-editing at its finest: just what does your 25 Things about Me list really says about you? Some lists are hilarious, some brutally honest, some quite eloquently pieced together, while others are impressive for their scope as much as for their simplicity. Some read like those annual Christmas letters, with emphatic exclamation points at the end of each sentence, while others read like a packing list of what to bring on this journey; some are so familiar that I could have written them for myself, while others seem a wee bit strange to me. But all of them offer opportunities to get to know people a little bit more in a way that we aren’t always afforded in our fast-paced, bustling world that leaves little time for saying anything beyond hey.

Remember Slam Books? I don’t think these 25 Things About Me lists are so very different from those notebooks full of questions and columns that we’d pass around in elementary and junior high school, asking for opinions on music, movies, celebrities, lip gloss flavors, and the most popular query: who do you think is the cutest boy in sixth grade? The pretense was the same: Hey, I think you’re interesting, so could you please tell me a few of your favorite things? I want to find out more about you, so I’ll tell you more about myself to get the ball rolling. It was a cooperative, community exploration of collective common ground, a way to belong, to try to measure up against the grain of normalcy that seemed to be a requirement for survival back then. Of course, Slam Books were really designed to find out who liked you, and Facebook is a little more grown-up than that. If Slam Books were declarations of our similarities, the 25 Things lists are revelations of our differences. But there are some lists out there that read more like Slam Books than anything else. Despite the suggestion that your responses might re-cast you as an oddball, “44 Odd Things about You” asks some pretty mundane, Slam Bookish questions: How many dogs do you have? What’s your favorite color? Candy? Book? And the clincher: Does someone have a crush on you?

It seems that the bottom line is the same: to stay sane with the three C’s: To feel Connected, Capable, and as if you Count (even, I suppose, if you don’t).

I don’t know about you, but I miss my old friends. The whole Facebook experience—and the I share-you share dynamic that has so successfully dominated the airspace as of late—seems like a great attempt at recreating those late night gab fests with a really good friend, when you’d share just about anything and everything, swap secrets, divulge hidden crushes, weaknesses, fears, addictions, triumphs. It’s infinitely harder not to keep up with each other’s lives the way we did when we went to high school or college together, and we’d stretch dinners into two hour exercises in procrastination and mastication, talk long into the night, get sufficiently soused to reach deep into our lock boxes, and spill…Those were the days when we did know those 25 things about each other—and a whole lot more. And now we’ve scattered, settled all over the map, had some kids, moved about, tried to grow up, and we don’t see each other as often as we’d like.

It’s a lucky person indeed who still enjoys the immediacy and intimacy of the tight-knit circle of close friends the way we did, who truly feels that they live in community with others. Facebook is nearly genius for the way it has brought us all together again in overlapping circles, and now, with our lists, in Venn Diagrams. The intimacy may be contrived, but the immediacy is there, with instant updates, wall-to-wall messaging, and the zillion other playful ways you can interact with, entertain, and good-naturedly annoy your friends. What’s remarkable is how Facebook facilitates the opportunity to share the details of our lives no matter how far apart we may live. We can post photos of our families, share links, compare favorite movies and music, play games with each other across oceans and continents, poke and be poked. There’s no substitute for getting together with your friends live and in person, but it’s impossible to do, and those reunions once every five years are wonderful but heart-breaking in their infrequency. Facebook fills in the time and distance, yanking together the torn seams of Pangaea, and providing us with ample reasons to waste more time in front of a screen. But the sense of community, however odd, feels real, and works like a charm when you really need it to.

Just before Christmas, our dog suffered a long night of frightening, non-stop seizures. After being shot up with valium and injected with Phenobarbital over and over again, Daisy finally relaxed into a sedated lump of exhaustion, and we were finally able to take her home. I went on Facebook immediately and posted an S.O.S. of sorts, hoping that I wouldn’t have to keep her sedated for too long, hoping that someone out there might know of some alternative treatments. An old high school friend saw it and forwarded it to a friend of hers, who just happens to be a certified pet expert, columnist for the New York Post, author of several books, yadda yadda. This woman responded to my note immediately, offering help, and over the course of the next several days, generously dispensed ideas and advice and support as if she was a close neighbor or old friend herself. I was very grateful. And as for Facebook, for making it possible? Brilliant, I say, brilliant.

Lev Grossman, in his Nerd World bit in the February 23rd issue of Time magazine, declared that “Facebook Is for Old People”, that is clearly better formatted and suited for those of who can benefit from its more obvious vehicles for self-promotion (“There is very little that old people enjoy more than forcing others to pay attention to pictures of their children. Facebook is the most efficient engine ever devised for this.”), social and business networking (“What’s the point of networking with people who can’t hire you?”), that it’s a great remedy for memory loss (“Facebook never forgets.”) Grossman, who doesn’t really look old enough in his half-face corner photo to be worried about memory loss, but he argues well the finer points of being able to access your friends without having to remember their e-mail addresses: “We’re too old to remember e-mail addresses. You have to understand: we have spent decades drinking diet soda out of aluminum cans. That stuff catches up with you. We can’t remember friends’ e-mail addresses. We can barely remember their names.”

Despite being a bit ravaged by memory loss this past year myself, I know that I’m not quite there yet, but I can appreciate what’s to come, and I’m awfully glad for Facebook’s clutch cyber-memory tools. I’ve tried to convince my mother to join Facebook, but the busy-ness of it is overwhelming, the risk of having her personal details (or God-forbid, her identity!) stolen by non-Friends or faux Friends or posers too great, and the notion of joining an online social networking group started by a mere man-child too strange.

Perhaps Grossman’s 10 reasons why “Facebook is for old fogies” will convince her.

We do like making lists, though, don’t we? Think David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists. Rolling Stone’s Top 100 Albums of the Decade. Time’s Short List. Their 25 People to Blame (for the economic mess we’re in). And our daily attempt at creating order out of chaos: Things to Do Today (hate that list). The 25 List no doubt came from some other list, and of course, was responsible for inspiring many others, which spread like a blistering Southern Cal wildfire across the FB terrain. In Book Grab Share, I was asked to turn to page 56 of the book closest to me and share the 5th sentence (it was The China Diet, and it was pretty boring). Sweet Memory Share asked me to wage an all out assault on my current memory malfunction and try to summon all kinds of memories about someone, with more gold stars earned for dusting off reminiscences that were sweet or funny or cool. There are endless diversions, distractions out there on FB…and I do wish I had time to partake in all of them.

I’ve come up with some lists I’ve thought about initiating on Facebook:

Top 25 Grossest Things about me

Top 25 Stupidest Things I’ve ever done

25 Things I Don’t Like About Myself

Top 25 Lays (my, aren’t we prolific)

Top 25 Biggest Buggers about Getting Old(er)

Of course, one has to be careful about what the quantifier “Top” might suggest about oneself: that maybe there are 100 Gross Things about yourself, and what follows is a list of the carefully culled most-gross ones. Ewww.

And finally, as an adjunct to our homeschooling project of nearly the same name, 25 Traits I’ve Inherited (and Some I Have Not). Ring finger is longer than pointer finger. Widow’s peak. Propensity for worrying about lots of stupid stuff. Am not a Vulcan. Never did get any wisdom teeth. I figure that could mean one of two things: 1. that I’m just a little more evolved than all you poor saps who have to have your wisdom teeth painfully extracted OR 2. I’m a FOOL. You get the idea.

I’ve started to write a few different 25 Things lists. It feels, oddly enough, good for my soul. Some day I’ll share them on the blog. I’ve found it difficult, though, to match the brevity of the task, and well, you know me, I just seem to go on and on…there are stories that need to be told, explanations to accompany those concise little statements about self so I don’t appear to be too odd. After all these years, could it be that I’m still trying to stay on the normal side of the curve?

For now, though, I’m content to ponder this t-shirt slogan from the hilarious site www.despair.com:

More people have read this t-shirt

THAN YOUR BLOG