Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Scoping you out!

Ever had a colonoscopy? You might think it a subject better suited for the Flip Side of Fifty, but here’s a story I’d like to share about an old rugby friend who, at the age of 44, started to have a few minor digestive disruptions and decided, wisely, to have them checked out. A colonoscopy discovered colon cancer in its earliest stages, and Emmy was able to get immediate treatment and come out on the other side with flying colors.

I know all too well the relative discomfort—and diagnostic benefits—of the Colonoscopy. A year or so before becoming pregnant with Dominick, my belly was beginning to rumble, again, in spastic fits of disequilibrium, and given the history of Crohn’s and colitis in my family, I wasn’t going to take any chances, so I had my first colonoscopy. I was fine (and maybe just needed to get pregnant again, and let the expansion of my uterus slow things down for awhile), but will never forget watching the photos of my pink colon float on by as I lay on the table and tried to feel dignified. The worst part of being scoped? The preparation itself: fasting for many hours while force-feeding yourself glass after glass of that disgusting Fleet phospho-soda stuff that cleans out your system in riptide fashion, and leaves you picture-ready. My friend and fellow Used Bagge Sunny (aka Tyler) wrote a wonderful tribute to the Colonoscopy in honor of Emmy’s good fortune, and I asked her if I could share it on the blog. It’s hilarious, and important, and a fine complement to The Clampdown. And it’s just another reason to always, always, hold a Used Bagge by the bottom! Here’s Sunny:

Dear Loved Ones:

Just a friendly reminder that you are due for this service when you turn 50. But why wait? -- schedule today! Be like me - even though you're not due for routine screening for another five years, step right up and let them do it early because you exhibit a few symptoms. After all, if your dear friend Emmy, also 44, was able to catch colon cancer after a single symptom because she got right on it and she's now happy and healthy, you should be similarly diligent. It's not such a bad way to spend a few hours, and I'd like you to enjoy yours even more than I did, which is why I offer some advice below.

Try to avoid the part where they put a camera up your behind. To paraphrase a friend's experience, the bad news is they put quite a lot of equipment up my pooper; the good news is I did not enjoy it.

Also try to avoid the part where you have to clean out your insides so the photos look pretty. This involves not eating for 36 hours and other routines best enjoyed by the anorexic and bulemic populations. Or people who live in Santa Monica. If you like food as much as I do, it is a day of fine dining that you will never get back and therefore a cause for much mourning in itself.

It is inevitable during the procedure that they will introduce massive amounts of gas INTO your bowel, on purpose. What we won't endure for a well-lit snapshot! While most of the population usually works diligently and discreetly to make sure things flow in the opposite direction, try to make the best of it by imagining you are a teenage boy and all the fun you will have later with your friends.

If you have the option of not being petite or having a curvaceous colon, I would definitely stick with having a larger, straighter body. This will enable you to avoid hearing the doctor say to the nurse "pull back and try again, pull back and try again" and "no, no, don't do that" several times as you feel the scope poking through your abdominal wall in its best Alien imitation. Hey kids, let's take pretty photos, don't try to perforate the bowel. It ain't comfortable and I might need to use it again for something.

Because you will already have had more fun than a barrel of monkeys, I recommend you not follow instructions to pop right up off the operating table and scurry for the bathroom when it's all over. This will likely result in immediate fainting, falling backward and banging your head on wooden doors or other inconvenient structures. Why not wait to sleep in your own comfy bed, which I have found superior to the harshly lit and rather cold bathroom floor?

If you follow my advice, I'm sure you will find that this invaluable diagnostic procedure is well worth the time and effort. When you hear the good news that you have neither malignancy nor polyps nor other discernable faults in your nether region, I'm sure you will, like me, rejoice that you can look forward to another one of these in five years or so. In the meantime, take pride that the medical staff, aka your body's guests for the day, were extremely pleased with the quality of the photos and seemed to have a really good time.

Yours in good health,

Tyler

So ladies: get your mammos done, keep up with your paps and dental visits, don't forget to have those moles checked, and by all means, don't fear the colonoscopy! But above all else, be well. Thanks, Sunny and Emmy for sharing your stories! I send LOVE to all, and especially to all the Used Baggage out there!

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