Wednesday evening ~
After today's expansion, I am truly and undeniably lopsided. It's okay--and it's actually kind of funny--but until I can wear some kind of padded bra to somehow even things out, I'll have to go about my business feeling and looking a bit ridiculous. When my left was still smaller than my right, the lopsidedness didn't feel so strange. But now that my left is larger than my right, and oddly-shaped at that, from the higher-perch, vertical shape, and super-tight fit of the expander, it feels just plain weird and whacked. And lopsided.
I spend about five minutes in front of our in bathroom mirror, contracting my left pec muscle and watching it ripple and roll in irregular, choppy waves across the taut mound of skin that currently defines my left temporary breast. Since the skin is now pulled even tighter across the muscle, I can make out the visible outline of the muscle, and it's just too cool to not mess with it. I've gone from having a nightmare emblazoned on my chest to having my own sideshow. I am now a true circus geek. Just don't expect me to bite the heads off any live chickens anytime soon.
I know, I know. How silly of me. Responding to my ballyhoo, Dominick actually laughs out loud with me, telling me that my left "breast" looks like a "big ball." Don't think this moment is lost on me--it isn't. I am acutely aware that I am able to stand topless in front of the mirror--and my youngest son, who has grown up without the usual cultural discomfort around nudity and body parts--and laugh about my chest, which suddenly strikes me as a real work in progress. It's just how I have to think of it. Long gone are the kaleidoscope of colors. And each week, the shape changes. And it does, in a way, right now, resemble a ball--but with a moving fish-flopping muscle just under its skin. Comically, it sits up so high that after the next expansion, it might just sit directly under my clavicle. And then--who knows where it'll travel. To my throat? I wonder, did my breasts used to look more like this? Before breast cancer, before turning 40, before nursing, before having babies? Were they bigger, more ball-like, higher-up? Gawd, I hope not. I much prefer my 42-year old incarnation, if that's the case.
At my morning appointment, Dr. Pitts' assistant Christine fills me up with another 90 ml of saline--but as soon as the last 20 or so ml are syringed in, I feel an immediate pull in my chest that tugs on my psoas and reverberates throughout my stomach, making me feel slightly sick to my stomach and light headed. Happily, Dr. Pitts comes in to inquire--and they agree to remove 30 ml to relieve some of the pressure.
I have two expansions to go--I'll take next week off (and enjoy not having to go to my 25th Exeter reunion feeling and looking even MORE lopsided than I am now), and finish the following two weeks. 3 weeks out, 3 weeks to go, I've learned more about this process--how the expander not only stretches skin but muscle as well, that since the muscle is attached to other muscles--psoas, lat, etc--those muscles get pulled and stretched as well, and so on, and so on. All this is beginning to make more sense. Sort of. I think it takes a lifetime to figure out how your body works, what makes it special, what it needs, when it likes to sleep and in what position, what it likes to eat, and all the other idiosyncrasies that makes it unique and yours and yours alone.
After my final expansion, I'll need to wait a minimum of three weeks before I have the exchange surgery, at which time Dr. Pitts will re-excision my scar (this will be the third time), remove the expander, and replace it with a much softer, much more realistic looking and feeling silicone implant. No hard edges. No awkward shape. And she is confident she can correct the 2 mm disparity between the lower edge of my right breast with that of the left expander. As for the lopsidedness, that will help, as will the minor lift she'll perform on the right breast. Symmetry is hard work. Surgery might take place in June.
Since the three weeks in between will be puppy-run-free days for me, I am trying to figure out whether some kind of a family trip would make sense. I am hoping that I'll have some strength left after giving up all vigorous activity and 5 pound plus lifting all these weeks. All that fair weather fun requires more oomph than I've been allowed to give. And I am eager to give it, believe me!!
The boys and I spend the afternoon at the wonderful DeCordova Museum and Sculpture Park in Lincoln, MA. We are mesmerized by three floors of photographs, a wonderful exhibit entitled "Presumed Innocence." We head outside to explore the acres of gardens and sculptures, and take our time. The boys, clearly inspired by some of the eerie photographs in the exhibit, do their best "weird child" imitations for each and every photograph I take of them. Eyes staring vacantly into another world, heads drooped at an odd bent, mouths slightly open, they find awkward little spaces in and around the different sculptures to pose and create their own "Presumed Innocence" works. It seems as if we laugh throughout the whole day. At one point, we all proclaim that our stomachs hurt from laughing so hard, and itt feels so good to laugh with my boys again. If belly-busting laughter counts as vigorous activity, it was well worth it.
Thursday ~
5 days left until I can wear a bra and try to even things out. In the meantime, I peruse the shirts hanging in my closet to no avail--gone are the over-sized, boxy tops I used to wear, and in their place are form-fitting shirts that would deliver news of my lopsidedness in howler fashion.
I might as well have some t-shirts made up:
Check back next week,
maybe by then they'll be the same size
and you can stop staring (loser)
Symmetry is overrated
Has anyone seen my left breast?
My left breast went by way of the surgeon
and all I got was this lousy expander
Who says my breasts have to look the same?
or, simply:
Under (Re-)Construction.
I find a print button down, with pockets on the breasts, perfect, that disguise everything nicely. I am able to go to my doctor's appointment (this time, non-breast related; a trip to see the orthopedic doc who hopefully will figure out why the outside of my left knee is still numb after minor surgery back in January to remove a small lipoma from the inside of the same knee), and then meet two friends for lunch at Tofu-a-go-go, a colorful little spot in downtown Greenfield that serves up tasty sesame peanut noodles with spicy tofu triangles and "dinky" soft tacos (their word choice, not mine; Kim said the tacos weren't dinky at all, but quite hearty). It feels fairly glorious to be out with friends, a return to some normalcy, though it's a new normal. Thank you, Kim and Bettie!! And it is hot! In true New England fashion, we've sidestepped the gentle loveliness of an awakening spring all together and slid right into summer heat. Eek.
I head home, aware that driving is feeling more comfortable, though the sharp turns still offer acute reminders of the soreness that resides on my left side--and my diminished strength and coordination. This is what feels strange to me: feeling clumsy, and not as strong as I usually do, and compromised. It's a new feeling. And I know I'm lucky that I've gone through 42 years without feeling it to this extent.
My friend Nancy arrives to chat, join me in a walk, and give me a massage--so relaxing!! My neck, which has been talking to me since yesterday's fill-up, and threatening to explode in an all-out pre-menstrual migraine, feels softer, lighter, easier. Thank you, Nancy! It feels so great to be able to spend time with friends, get out and about, and receive the many blessings of the day.
I hope that wherever you are, the light and warmth has made its way into your heart and home and brightened your day. This time of year, the sun seems so high in the sky that one wonders if it will ever sleep, and instead grow noctilucent, spreading its shine over the moon's territory, and keeping us all up way past our bedtimes.
I'll end by sharing something I just learned--some cyber-language for breast-speak. It makes me feel so special to have a sign just for me: (o) (O). I've gone from having o o (*) (*) to {O} {O}, then (@) (@) and finally, (+) (o). Still (o) (o), however imperfect. (But what the heck are hanging tassles breasts??!! ) What's your sign?
Finally, something other than smiley faces….
Perfect breasts(o)(o)
Fake silicone breasts( + )( + )
Perky breasts(*)(*)
Big nipple breasts(@)(@)
A cups o o
D cups{ O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts(oYo)
Cold breasts( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts(o)(O)
Pierced Breasts(Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts(p)(p)
Against The Shower Door Breasts( )( )
Android Breasts o o
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